


Confessions

by straeon



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, M/M, katie's death mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 22:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3546062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straeon/pseuds/straeon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert has confessions to make to Aaron.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions

“No one needs to know.”

The room was spinning in a haze of glaring lights and too much dark brown. Aaron had nothing around him to hold on to so he held onto his own head and closed his eyes, closed it all out.

Why was he even here? Why were they in this room? _Why was he with him?_

“Aaron. _Aaron._ Are you okay?” 

All the words Robert had said echoed in Aaron’s head. It was too much. There was too much of _him_ in his head that he couldn’t manage to grasp at something that was his own. 

“Hey.” An arm placed on Aaron brought him back to where he was. Robert’s face focussing in front of him. 

“ _Don’t._ ” Aaron pulled away roughly. “Do not touch me.” Turning away, he rubbed his face, still trying to collect his thoughts. He reached out an arm to lean on any surface, which turned out to be a wall with the most fucking ugly wallpaper.

“You’re exhausted,” Robert said behind him, placing his hand on Aaron and so gently stroking down his back. That touch felt so familiar. But it didn’t fit in here. How was that touch, from another time and place that felt so distant now, what he felt now, from somebody else entirely? His breath quickened, at the panic that he didn’t fucking understand what he was involved in at all.

“You. need. to. sit. down.” Robert stressed every word, speaking close to Aaron’s face and trying to pull him back. As Aaron analysed his face, he really couldn’t tell if the emotions spilling from the other man were concern from his wellbeing or over his own. Seeing him now as the man he really was, Aaron was leaning towards the latter.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m crazy,” Aaron said in a hoarse voice. 

“Look at what you’ve done to yourself,” Robert said in a quiet voice.

_But you did this._

“Why are we here?” Aaron asked.

Robert searched Aaron’s face, not following what was going through his mind with the change of subject.

“You came here, tonight,” Robert said carefully.

“I remember that, for fuck’s sake,” Aaron said with an angry laugh, his voice coming back. Which stunned Robert for a second with the extra volume when the room had been deathly quiet a moment before. “Why are we in here?”

“In Lawrence’s office?” Robert asked. He wiped at his face, partly mirroring Aaron’s movements, focussing again, clearing away the feeling that had taken over and pushed away his control for a moment. “Because they’re away and it’s - it was the closest room.” 

“To fuck in?” Aaron asked bitterly.

“We didn’t-”

“But you wanted to.” Aaron said with a shrug. “You hoped I came here for that, didn’t you?”

“I needed to talk to you,” Robert said. “About how you’ve been behaving.” His words were so clear and so simple. Too planned out to Aaron, as he tried to bullshit his way out of what he’d said to Aaron just a few minutes ago.

“What, am I bringing too much attention to myself?” Aaron asked in a hard voice. “Are you worried it’ll come back to you? Through me?”

“No!” Robert insisted, forcing Aaron to look him in the face. “I was worried - about you.”

“Right,” Aaron said sarcastically. 

The two men studied each other in silence, across the room after Aaron had slowly, thoughtfully moved away from Robert - who stood with his hands in his pockets, not knowing what to do to sort out his mess for once.

“Look,” Robert said, finally, desperately, breaking the silence. “I-”

“You’re a murderer,” Aaron interrupted, with a steely voice.

“I’m not,” Robert said, his face a stone mask. The air around him was dense and heavy on his shoulders, cold beneath his suit, as he could feel the hair rise on his arms, on the back of his neck… He hid all that. But his voice wasn’t as convincing.

“You killed Katie.” Aaron said simply. “That’s what you said.”

“But-”

“And you meant it.” Aaron said, shaking his head and blanking out any reaction or response from Robert. “And it’s all so obvious. I’ve been… such an idiot to expect… anything from you. Who I saw you as was someone completely different. And I defended you, to my mum, to Paddy. I covered up your murder.” 

“No,” Robert said, asserting himself in the way he’d learned to do with clients who weren’t listening, hardening his voice and his resolve even when underneath his confidence was shrinking. “You’re not listening-”

“I’ve listened to you bullshit out of taking responsibility for long enough,” Aaron said with a shrug. “I can’t believe I believed any of that. That I believed you - in you, for a while. That I loved you?” 

_Fuck_ , Aaron thought to himself as his vision became blurred again, his numbness to what he now knew had happened starting to dissipate.

“Please,” Robert said quietly, desperation returning to his voice. “Just listen to me. _She fell._ ” 

“Are you really going to go back to that story?” Aaron asked in disbelief, turning away from him and leaning against the shutters. Rage was building inside of him that he struggled to contain as he flexed his fists. Were the emotions he felt even his own any more? Everything felt manipulated into place by Robert. 

Behind him, he heard Robert taking deep breaths.

“She did fall, I didn’t lie about that,” Robert said desperately. “I didn’t _know_ about the floor - that, it was going to give way like that!”

“Then how did she fall?” Aaron asked. He didn’t want to know the answer. But he needed to know everything.

“We were,” Robert cleared his throat and Aaron could tell he wasn’t as in control as he wanted to be, which was somehow satisfying in the middle of all this shit. “We were fighting - for the photo - for her phone.” 

Aaron rested his head before him. That photo. Everything that led up to that felt so small now. That getting to be with Robert was everything in the world, when right now he couldn’t even look at him.

“And w-we fought and she fell,” Robert said.

“ _She_ fell?” Aaron repeated. He forced himself to turn around to face the other man. To face what happened.

Robert sighed loudly. He stretched his neck and looked up at the ceiling before he could make himself say the words.

“I pushed her,” Robert said hoarsely. As his chin trembled over the words, he clenched his jaw tightly as he waited for a response.

“So you did-”

“No!” Robert interrupted, raising his voice and losing what little composure he had. “I was – stopping her from leaving. She wanted the photo, to ruin my life, I had no choice but to stop her.”

“God.”

“Not – I don't mean like that,” Robert rushed to add, as he moved to Aaron's side behind the desk. “All I did was push her-”

“ _Katie_. Did you got violent?” Aaron asked.

“I only did what I had to,” Robert said slowly, not even looking directly at Aaron – who wondered how many times Robert had said that to himself, and if he still was. “Which wasn't murder!”

He sighed and collapsed into the desk chair. A part of him was relieved to have said it to someone, but still he had a tight feeling in his chest, which he'd had for weeks after Kate's death, a ball of anxiety that he'd get found out.

“You promise it was an accident?” Aaron asked in a quiet voice finally. Seeing Robert's raw feelings, his guise entirely gone like the Whites were right now, Aaron couldn't help but feel something for him. But he had to process what happened, the actual facts, not get pulled so deep into to his world again that he couldn't see himself.

Robert sat back in the chair, rubbing his hand over his face, looking seriously at Aaron. This was him bare, not thinking of what his next step to get himself out of trouble would be, not thinking of how to manipulate Aaron.

“We all did … stupid things. This has all been a mess, I know,” Robert put his hands to his face again, breathing deeply to control his emotion. “But even if our actions led to it, our and Katie's actions, it was an accident. It _was _an accident.”__

__Taking a breath and looking around him – though not really looking, it was all blurred to him now – Aaron tried to understand it all. Would Katie be dead if it wasn't for the part he played? If he'd never slept with Robert at all? Did he even have control over that, or would Robert have got him into bed no matter what? He looked at Robert and wondered if he knew him, if he ever could know the real him. Of all the things he saw in him, an amazing lover, someone he loved despite (including?) his flaws, a selfish, greedy child, someone who tried to be and do better... he didn't see a murderer. Even if he tried to blame Katie, Aaron could see that Robert had to lie to himself to be able to handle what happened. They were both coping in different ways._ _

__That gentle feeling of Robert taking hold of his wrist, his fingers caressing Aaron's skin, traveled along Aaron's arm and nearly made him shudder, before Robert intertwined his long fingers around Aaron's rougher hand._ _

__“It was an accident,” Robert said quietly as he brought Aaron's hand to his lips softly. The way he looked at Aaron brought something back to him, as something clicked in his brain. He pulled away from Robert's grasped and stepped back against the wall._ _

__“You lied to me,” Aaron said._ _

__“I had to,” Robert pleaded. “I wasn't thinking straight. I kept us both out of trouble, didn't I?”_ _

__“But you let me think it was my fault,” Aaron argued back, indignation and frustration taking him over. “I _wasn't_ okay, was I, Robert?”_ _

__“I didn't realise – Look, that's why I'm telling you now, isn't it?” Robert said, looking up at Aaron desperately._ _

__“Yeah,” Aaron nodded, looking away from him. He believed him but... he couldn't be taken in by his emotions, even if they were real. Every time, Robert brought him around again. Even if he loved and believed Robert, Aaron couldn't trust him._ _

__“Aaron,” Robert said, louder than they'd been talking to each other for a while. “You believe me?” he asked uncertainly._ _

__Aaron nodded but he couldn't say it, not when he was still so unsure of what this was, of how much he was being used._ _

__“Please,” Robert continued to press him, his eyes glistening, “ _You have to._ I n-”_ _

__“Don't,” Aaron interrupted, looking away again though a tear fell down his face at doing so. “Don't tell me you need me. I'm not here to make you feel better about this. Only you really know what happened – Katie can't, cuz she's dead. If it was really an accident, then you have nothing to feel bad about right?”_ _

__“Yeah,” Robert insisted._ _

__“I dunno what I helped you cover up though,” Aaron whispered. “What you forced me to be involved with, what I could still be punished for because of you.”_ _

__“Yes, you do, I told you.” Pulling Aaron toward him again, with a hand on each side of his waist, Robert let his forehead rest on Aaron, letting his breath out against him, nearly in relief. A part of Aaron – a strong part of him – wanted to stroke his hand through Robert's hair, to comfort him. For them to hold each other._ _

__“I can't,” Aaron stepped away, choking on emotion._ _

__“What?” Robert asked, blinking in surprise._ _

__“I just – if it was an accident – and I do believe you, okay?”_ _

__“Then stay with me,” Robert breathed._ _

__“That doesn't mean I trust you,” Aaron admitted._ _

__Robert didn't say anything. It wasn't really a shock and he couldn't think of any reason Aaron should trust him._ _

__“I don't know – I don't know if you're the man I fell in love with or if you're – _this_ ,” Aaron motioned around him._ _

__“What?” Robert asked, furrowing his brow._ _

__“Someone who'd do anything to keep this life. You'd already have the wife and family and pretend a part of you just doesn't exist... like Lawrence.”_ _

__“But I-” Robert stopped, knowing that to automatically say 'I love Chrissie' wouldn't really help. And he didn't know if anyone really believed that, if it had become something he said to himself so much that it just had to be true, like that it was definitely an accident and he never meant to hurt Aaron?_ _

__“I just need to think about this,” Aaron said with finality. “I'll – I'll see you.”_ _

__As Aaron walked to the door, Robert went after him, turning him by the arm to face him._ _

__“I'm not gonna tell anyone,” Aaron said, his exhaustion clear in his voice._ _

__“I know!” That Aaron thought that that's what he wanted to know stopped Robert from asking what he had been about to – _do you still love me?__ _

__“Then what is it?” Aaron asked. “I'm sorry, Robert, but I really need to get out of this damn house.”_ _

__“Aaron,” Robert whispered as he placed his hand to Aaron's neck. “I just need you to understand – I told you because I care about you. I don't want to see you hurt and I certainly don't want to hurt you.”_ _

__Aaron looked at Robert's face closely, analysing his features to to see if he wasn't just trying to manipulate him again or if this was really him again. He didn't pull away from him._ _

__“I really care about you,” Robert said, looking pleadingly into Aaron's tired eyes._ _

__“Okay,” Aaron breathed. “I really have to go now.” Removing Robert's hand from his neck, Aaron held his hand for seconds longer than he meant to, communicating something he couldn't trust himself to say._ _

__After he'd left, Robert looked around the room, the emotion he'd been trying to contain starting to boil back to the surface. When he was here alone, it was clear how much he faked everything around the family he'd married into. He was really starting to hate this place too._ _


End file.
